apple of my eye

and in the choir I saw our sad Messiah.
He was bored and tired of my laments.
Said, "I died for you one time, but never again"

gutter

every single wall has a mouth
i cant get everything said through my head
im just bored and exhausted.
crawling up the stem in my brain
i severely lost it.
all of it is and all there is to need
lay a still body down
but everything is so uncomfortable.
its the gift that keeps giving on,
that's in my blood and under the floor.
youll meet the hole that's torn.
around the corner in your sad, bored existence
im the reason everything in your life is on fire.
make you run down to expire
liar.

grit

there isnt a way to wrap my arms around this.
or anyway to embrace how the hell you use your head.
i feel drained from my existence.
because you've built a bed of lies for me to sleep on.
how is it getting off on the wrong foot?
if lying's the same to walk right through me.
there are hard times to meet,
you've given me all there is to need.
i wish i could keep two eyes out.
but there isn't any help here,
what more could you ever want?
besides walking myself out of every picture frame.
its been a year and a half now, ive been flown out the window.
im not out for revenge,
you just need tossing and turning in your sleep.
yet there is a hard time to meet.
you've given me all there is to need.

im just crazy

lately the wrong person

all these pictures are in order to date.
today i rewind through what you call memory lane
a recollection tied up in pain
what makes you think its easy to sustain?
we no longer talk
now i just talk to myself.
though there goes a forgotten thought,
i spent all day on.
i don't want to fight you,
we just need to love each other.
i cant give you what you want
its not so easy to apologize,
im still behind the same cloak.
in my head just waving goodbyes.
they weren't fucking kidding
when saying "look me in the eyes"
i fell a thousand feet down
into a future where i see them go
and you should know
you're one of them soon to go
just keep walking,
ill be damned if i ever make it all
we stayed glued together
but it was really never anything

inherit

we ran right into each other
and you tell me to be safe, well i try my best.
if its what you suggest.
ill try dodging all speeding cars,
but it'll be hard not to.
there are those stomach aches in my brain
that leave first impressions like deep stains.
well if you want a piece of my mind
step right into my arms then.
i take a seat outside to watch the parade
watch their lives wave right by
watch little kids cry
and pass out tears like candy
"ma'am everything's fine, everything's dandy."
you bring yourself around just as much as i do.
to watch where you'll walk.
they don't find self loathing in you, as much as i do
you just want to shed water
because of lack of elation
this doesn't run in the family
it swims through out the whole nation
but it doesn't wash your filthy body
you take a lean against the wall
then take a deep look into what you just saw

why cant you

i said you just don't understand
because you sleep inside your brain.
live under rocks with even the toughest luck.
you've got easy love,
because it thrown out there and away.
you live a gentle life held on plastic glass
father gave a hard time
mother gave what you wanted.
but all you've got is friends to corrupt your fucking self
to create someone you really aren't
and smash down all dignity from the start.
its all so hard
when handed up high, because i don't want you.
nor do they too.
what help is there needed?
if there's thick walls built in your head
and a soul ugly as sin.
where does anyone begin?
if you beat a good friend away to no end.

drip

there are nights where i go running out of sight
and everything inside of me with you is a fight.
you hate the way things are
when i keep myself shut.
there are words unexposed
and things i keep from you.
everything is confusing, its just wrapped up in pain.
there are times where i want you to know whats wrong.
but you'll learn someday to keep it all to yourself.
i have freedom on my atmospheres
but there are boundaries with traps in here
the little itchy habits, that i cant shake.
and there's trouble i wake up with.
you think i want to walk around all day like this?
guilty soaking in your attention,
when i don't want it all.
i walk in two different worlds
and hide under umbrellas when it rains.
are you struck by my baggy eyes,
and my pathetic parades?
when all i do is live under my masquerade.
you place me in a warm home,
when i dont want to go home.
stick to the inside, when its shitty outside
there are times where its just me and you.
where im so close to letting my mouth leak.
instead it all just sinks with weight.
and i wake up with it tomorrow morning because i never said a thing.
i just build myself up for the time of my life.
climb to the top just to sit down.
and pick thorns right out of my hands.

only if it makes

when you walk right out the door.
you'll be on their list
there's something you missed.
when im absorbing in all of this.
we have the same friends,
that you still look in the eyes and smile too
and make the same amends.
restless and never exhausted with how to pretend.
walking around with a pocket knife
i just let you get away with everything.
still you cant look me in the eyes.
dragging around that lying life alive
that cant tell yourself whats wrong from right
put our backs in reverse from one another
so we can place our trust in each other,
only if it makes you happy, to place an itch on my left ear
lie from the truth to tell you whats in my mind.
use my collected thoughts against me,
when mine is mine.
dont belong to nobody if its what you put yourself through.

#

covering up my fire with a thousand smiles.

back of the line

somethings wrong today,
you act like you want to care.
when i snap myself in half,
you'll see that im full of it.
i am not focused on whats supposed to be finished.
leading myself to the back of the line,
i always know it ends up like this
this room blows my mind across the wall.
i am what i am just like this mess.
why do you think i jump and bare to confess?
there's a place to hide my guilty faces,
it lies in your room of all places.
and everyday i seem to forget my own name
even old friends do i become just a blur
the same open book, its a lovely little bird
when i turn the lights off to keep common peace
ill sleep just to forget them and their occupied lives
why cant you just rest what i want between the eyes?

a lovely little bird

i don't say much, but just sit there.
you leave me in this room, ill be loading up my gun
i don't want much, but for you to leave me alone.
though you could never find me in the first place,
when i step out of my home.
my world departs backwards, when you leave me behind.
you just watch me stuck in my place.
though its thought as just another phase.
"there's something wrong with you,
you just wont show right through."
well its an issue to tell anyone, what i am up to.
now i am driving myself up walls.
there's a feeling of pressure and closure married in my mind,
where i cant hear any of my surroundings
or the pointless little signs
and i shut out from a reality that makes my father happy.
and lock up my windows that tells my friends everything's fine.
you wouldn't believe a thing, to tell you all is well.
i may look like some dead battery, but i am full of lies.
its all a big surprise, whats been burrowing in my eyes.
everything guilty dies

morning

id like to tell you how i feel
but everything i say to impress you isn't real.
id like to burn this jade that ive carried in my pocket
far too long, i wish it was gone.
a shovel, anything to help the dirt swallow my head.
but i only stay around because you need somebody
when i feel like no one, in this race.
that every friend wins in getting by, and i get so tired to try.
its an old hat to wear when we fall in place and love like this.
when we know each others outcomes from being missed.
a crack in the heart, a state of confusion
the pool in my mind that i mistakenly drown myself in.
you just look at me like some down-caster.
when all i want is your help, but not necessarily
id like to help myself to see how far id get.
to hold some sort of trophy ive never met.
don't worry for me, and the things that you see.
sometimes there's a will and a way,
and getting lucky for who i want to be
but those pictures are so painful when i smiled then,
ill be gone tomorrow when you look at them.

the one thing

seems not doing a thing is whats deserved.
enjoy what has been plated at my feet
things gone with the wind right under the seat
land and water to keep you apart from me.
you got what you deserved, you should see.
everyone and you are happy where they are
and under every lucky wishing star
bitter blood with hateful thought
i just haven't got to where i need you to be
i want you as a friend, not as a drifter.
you let it meet nothing from the way things were
a candles flame wants to be protected tonight
i cant help anything about tonight
anything

combination

i said you just dont understand, that nothing comes from my hands.
everything welcomes itself in, when i open wide out.
i built a childhood upon twigs, and let water destroy most of it all.
if only you saw what i saw.
the way a body falls, when you find what find.
hidden in the basement of your mind.
a family disownings for one another.
the same smile in my sister that i see in my mother.
the little rainstorms to wake up realization
i promised you something i clearly wasn't going to fulfill
little words with a strong meaning that are built to spill
if only you saw what i saw,
that im sorry for it all.
just everything welcomes itself in, and locks itself tight.

mississippi mud

if its one thing i don't understand,
its where to land,
when you throw me out of your hands
i walked around all day with my head cracked open.
to show people how stupidity leaked from the basketcase
they just think i live on drugs.
and the hole in my floor i dug,
the dirt in my fingernails is all i could love and above.
its amazing that i devour time,
though i still eat, piss, and sleep out tomorrows day.
ive been living out this dream
outside on the inside.
everything you heard about accomplishments, i lied.
even i pretended that i tried.
no one you're in love with, so you think you're alone.
no one loves you, where do you call home?
believe me, its been too long.
and i haven't left you a note.
i boxed myself away from pens and papers
again and again,i hide out in my words.
love continues to live on.
i continue to lead myself out.
you seem to find what im about,
interested in the stranger you are
though i don't care who you are
so don't walk on my life.
i don't want to know who you are
so lower your knife.

theres a war

there seems to be a drought where the blood flows.
there's a war in my veins
filled with shot down, crashing planes.
it seems i leave the light off in the attics of my head.
enough said, you get tangled in all the cobwebs.
that's what you get for climbing in my bed.
you can fix a straight line, but not the mixed up colors,
that we hate to share.
and when you get the chance you'll call me out in front of the world.
for speaking false love that i haven't earned
id like to end the things that wrap around my life,
that keep me snug in the night closer to white lights.
though i still get a kick
when i ruin your clothes, jumping into puddles next to you.
you need a new pair of shoes anyway asshole

this store is closed

why are all these parasites of old friends
welcoming themselves back into my home.
i threw the trash out the right way,
it ended up being recycled.
swimming in my dead end cycle.
i needed you when i was bottom floored on the inside.
you changed your mind in rotation from me.
the last thing i saw chasing away was your backside.
see what they did to me.
one less charm around the neck,
to a genuine life never met.
what the fuck has you running back,
to things you purposely ran from?
you left for no reason
you seemed to jump every gun.
i cast myself out far from you
so i couldn't live out pictures and the things i already knew
burning holes on my face in every photograph.
we need this door shut between us
this tiny room in the world must collapse.
the next time you dance into a closed life.
i hope acceptance from one another is a greasy grasp

these things are for letting go.

its like this everyday, what are you looking for?
a strand of string, i easily throw your balance off
and despondency is easy to breathe
all the little things in my dreams that i need.
i lie my whole life just to be remembered.
and it always repeats at the end of december.
two different colored visions to call my own.
and everything seems to shatter in my oblivious mind.
i called you to keep in touch from letting go,
you're the only one that i will let know.
you awoke soaked in your own emotions.
salt drenched tears drowning your sheets.
im sorry for floating away.
things will always change the way i don't want them to be.
ill go away with my mind to feed.

crawl far, run long, think dumb, die young

what did i ever do?
to get here stuck through and through
i take a seat to get through the day.
and its okay to lean your back against walls.
you're going to need more to walk down empty halls
i was born in a bed i didn't feel comfortable of.
a bad taste in my mouth to believe whats above.
i walk around drunk in love,
desperate for a glance of your eye.
you waste a life time breaking something,
bending over backwards for somebody who wants nothing from you.
and what you have to prove.
i am not that intellectual,
but i noticed everything seems so sexual.
going out of your way, to drain your devotion
but i can see you absorb and seep the alcohol and emotions
only god knows when and what the fuck you're falling for.
ive seen more,
than just little hope.
and the end of every rope
i guess you can say its beautiful in many ways.

always seem

i never understood our love.
was it felt with a heart of warmth?
you felt cold and lost for a year straight.
i lose my mind on the things, i created to hate.
with no impression left on and in your life.
no ring to wear, we left each other jealous and unfair.
but i come spiraling down into a built up mess.
ready to spill tears and stress
i confess,
i didn't ever come to confess
just a standing stranger, to save you from being alone.
mistakes carved in stone.
im slowly losing my way,
its not supposed to be like this.
every time i see your face.
i go back wishing i hid in some dark space.
every night makes me dig my face apart
i let you handle my emotions.
i let you destroy things from the start

someone, anybody, anyone, somebody.

what you don't have, has got you down.
are you upset or is that a plastic frown?
what can i do, to make believe i care for you.
would it take a bowl of soup, or a new pair of shoes?
its not that bad, but the pain hides and stabs.
who is dragging you around?
do you relate to a sidewalk cracking, is that the familiar sound?
whats bellowed inside keeps you awake,
not the head-cold that tears the lining of your brain
you just couldn't get through the night
without an inner fight.
the pictures paint over your eyes
and all the color fades to hide.
they crush all over your life, and you just let it slide.
i watched you change into a million different people
it was the saddest thing and will still always be
we folded our lives apart, into a sea id rather much need
where i fill it with things that put my life on a ledge.
you need a soul much more beautifully fed
someone to turn the switch on in your head.
for nobody to serve you a spoonful of lead

withdraw

see what they think,
they think all the same.
ill leave for days and they'll forget my name.
i have a cash to check in on my life.
you will see that i left with lesser change.
i feel no way in control of anything.
so i let gripping go with nothing to bring.
the faded pictures on your wall
you should of saw how deeply i saw.
because they wont mean a thing,
when your out running around.
you stay away from me
ive got things going the way they want to be.
im already sadly content with my life
you just refuse to see.
have you ever been tested with a promise,
when they know your commitment is so low?
you have no way over your walls, nowhere to go
nothing to win, all to lose, with nothing to show
the day is not passing by, the day is passing slow.
everyone laughs covering there mouths.
to hide what they have to say to me.
i know im pathetic, but please just let me be.
let me fucking be.

i woke

i woke up and felt pinned to my bed.
and felt the cold creep above to my head.
today could be better,
than what last night was before.
it was just raining last night, everybody was wrong from right.
i picked your conversation to ignore.
people say they wasted their time on things.
i say they're just bored with what went wrong and what fun you didn't have being rejected.
and intersected between emotions and acceptance.
i still cant accept it.
i felt my skull crack because how much i realized
and the knowledge i lacked
strike her down
for me to smile with retaliation.
but im bitter with spite and bad imagination.
all those cars in corners of my eyes.
have gone to run me off the road, aside.
i told my friends life is beautiful and they took it for granted.
but i still watch my brother lose everything, alone and stranded.
where do you quench your thirst with pretentious hope?
do you really think i would care about where to go?
sometimes.

roof of my mouth.

whats the price to keep things steady?
the hung down head, chin down heavy.
because all this year ive been walking on a bar
and when falling down hard is free from setting me
witness me reach the heaven point, youll know that im ready
i used my feet to discover a new place.
but all i ran into was your familiar face
it made me sick to my stomach,
purposely i made paths around you, to follow it
id hate to tell you, whats soaked my mind.
there's no point welcoming you in, mine is mine.
i wanted to escape your surroundings.
and every space you took a breath of.
but all i found was this jading circle to stay in
i cant be miserable through sun and rain, its where ive always been.

start

i don't care for much.
but i do for you and that crazy dance you do.
nostalgia peels the mind,
like those boring shelved books torn apart.
im watching your world build from the start.
it gets so close,when you move.
but impossible to hold, when i fade with gray
there's nothing i could say to make you stay.
you're all grown up, so i might as well rest.
today is full of so much color, but you can see though clear.
and hear the slow beat with the tiniest ears.
sometimes i wish i was shown,
shown better things in this city than just a girls fake beauty.
no one cares for that old man and his poor empty life.
i walk past with ignorance.
but that's just my life.
the pathetic boy, who drags all weight.
because you moved away, don't tell me that nothings changed.
its already starting to.
look what i put myself through

hand hunger

careless for all.
im scared for myself and everything.
a stupid emotion come to bring.
the jailbirds will always sing.
a note written in my bones.
where ive run far from home.
i see no color in what i breathe.
there's nothing to say, but its still beneath.
when you clear my paths,
to walk a straight fine line.
you'll find me with my head on time
everything taken away from me,
that i would always need back.
a horrible night with a friend that gashes my back.
a sheepish heart, bled for hope.
the wolves come for your feelings the most.
hang with a rope and eaten by the hounds.
liar wont you come sliding down.
i made your bed of soil and thorns.
ive got that weight of forgiveness right here in my fist.
those words must of been something i missed.
i try so hard to swallow my tongue with no hiss
and roll my mind at the things you say and say.
a spitting thought rest between my teeth.
you just don't know any better.
its like playing baseball with demons,
who catch all your homeruns.
switching emotions to anger with the moon and the sun.
sometimes i wish id learn more.
than keeping a body sore.
because i kept my back reverse to the crowd.
and they break my back with even the smallest words

always forever

everyday you've seen my face.
acting like its far from the same.
if only you watch me light my candles.
and watch me blow out what i created.
hold on to crumbled rocks, always hard to handle
drowning in your eyes i always hated
my planes always crash in the back of mind.
and you should of stayed put before that first step
there's no apology to except, only escorting you out my doors.
i dont want to share moments together.
i dont want to see your eyes.
i dont want to hate you.
i just want to forget about you.
i was lied to from start but no finish yet.
leave me hanging on that thread.
alone in my head.
and thoughtfully fed.
everydays a new day to drink my cup.
to eat dry bread
and dreamily fall up.
but shrivel up from lingering in the sun.
dream up clouds in smoke from guns.
always forever

hi and gone

i want to drill a hole in my forehead.
and let the pool drain.
the tiny little bugs trickling up in my sleep.
thinking in baby steps, to one big leap.
well tucked in for the night.
blinds shut tight.
one more problem to etch and write.
built and created with out the light.
it was always to rest a curtain of eyes.
where in your dreams i always die in a car
and would burn with a star.
when you whisper in your sleep.
so delicate and sweet.
you make me hate you and them
you make me hate my friends
impatient on watching you let this fall
like a bag of packed sand.
would just feel so good to let go.
would just feel so good to let go.
would just feel so good to let go.
would just feel so good to let go.
would just feel so good to let go.
would just feel so good to let go.
would just feel so good to let go.

get nothing

i give bad advice, none the less.
at least i always try my best.
everyday is like a tape in play.
everything and everyone happy the same.
its not the heat for blocking my face.
im just shoveling my head in shame
no endearment for me, still bitter on the lips.
they left me miserable and alone on the inside
i allowed my heart to take a spill.
it came out the wrong way girl
and it always been the same girl.
its not the cold for finding warmth
ive just got nowhere to go.
dancing around with foolish emotions.
everyone's quiet and away from you.
they want nothing from you, they want themselves
i want them, i get nothing.

everday cowboy

just give it to me and the way things wanted.
rewind the tape back to childhood.
where things were felt, tasted, and said good.
she left me on the edge of my worlds.
cramped in a small place.
no place for a two face disgrace.
what do i have to hide but behind a pretentious smile.
meeting a whole lot of worthless.
ran out my emotions and left to clean the mess.
this is all a fucking joke, this is all a test.
sometimes you'll meet me the right way honey.
but ill always go down on the sunniest.
it crawls under the carpets like dust.
loving me with the love that rusts.
when i wake up.
you make sure that every cloud blinds that fucking sun.
because everyday ive got nowhere to run.

hero

in a wish to take a step back.
hopes held high like heads up in clouds.
one day mine will come crashing into the cracks.
what cuts me in two? you ask.
a easier day to breathe, its what i call past.
i exist in a circle of friends.
where they'd love to see your back turned.
don't you know you've upset me.
everyone is pathetic in someway, you can see.
everything is a bad idea with you.
i wish i didn't have to be so careful contemplating.
you're a judas with words.
a rat with my collected thoughts.
you sold in to be bought.
tape it up, brush it off.
forget it and sail on.

gnihtyreve

would it mean anything to apologize of these wrongs?
i skipped out the day with you and that special song.
a cloth for wiping the dirt off,
or should i go running down to the creek?
it was harsh to let these things with ease.
its all too late now for planting new seeds.
i used to let a bridge or two fall between us.
i quit my job, to hold the new ones up.
a crested moon in the empty dark,
just like where i found you.
that was all because of me too.
i understand your lonely tonight,
but you wont find god walking through your fight.
we all have ways to heal our wounded knees.
ill just rest in bed because that's what you want from me.
alone in my head for you to see.
that's fine.
i attempted to patch up your winded world.
craftsman skills from your worse best friend.
but you'd deny the trust id have to bring and send.
push aways are the only things left for me
so ill write a goodbye on a paper plate.
to show im cheap of love.
that everything was a push and shove.
everything.

grape trick

this is a bad idea
ive got my heart beating with my fears
a feeling of swallowing rocks.
a feeling of ten thousand smashed mirrors
i watch myself do the same things,
in repeat.
this is a bad idea.
i forgot about things pushed away.
because you never ended back in my hands.
why are you so fucking scared?
its only us being naive.
i got a feeling of an ice cold stare at my flaws.
let me be.
you already know me.
its the air tonight.
and breathing doesnt feel right.
i run through every street, its all a blur.
it hurts to know everywhere i stand.
all you do is watch me soak right into concrete sand
nothings a good plan.
this is a bad idea
see them fade and fold from themselves
help them hold onto friendship
but all my friends are ghosts.
it wouldn't do a thing, chasing after them
pinch on the nerve.
hands in your face.
pick at the scabs
watch me bleed in my place.
i woke up this morning.
why even bother mother?
it was a bad idea.

bf

its always nice to linger with your ghost.
because it hurts worse for me than it stabs you.
if im already in the back of your mind,
just push me off that ledge.
im so disconnected, enough said.
just remember every cold night we'd breathe.
where your hands would freeze to the steering wheel,
and id hope you'd drive straight into that wall.
so id want nothing more to feel.
to all those friends, that let me die by the phone.
you'd never call back, i should have known.
straight down my throat, crushing my spine.
see-through words in my book that binds.
you're always leading me on to wait.
where i am your ocean to walk on.
your doormat to keep your feet clean.
i soak up the dirt and hurt in between.
you scare me to death.
and im always crashing my planes
its always in the middle of my mind.
ill never seem to forget this.
pretending that everything's fine.
when i just want you to slip right from my hands.
i cant take this anymore.

im

knock me out, for what you feel of me.
the holes and puddles that ive stepped in,
two differences between falling hard and soaking my socks.
because i found sadness in the brightest place.
where my emotions dance on my face.
im crumbling for you.
and you like what you see.
im far from angel, but wish i was falling up with them.
caught snaking behind your back.
ive been lying from truth, that's a fact.
friend what happened to you?
you're always so ran down and blue.
im not the happiest, but i can sure as hell tell you.
im running away.
because im less of your use. less of your worth.

today was wednesday

i wish there was courage built in my heart.
to let go off these limbs.
something worse than just falling and cracking my ribs.
your friends have lied to keep you sane.
to tell you "everything's fine."
but ive crossed my rosy line.
the sand in your glass that's ticked.
wishing that wishes weren't so pathetic.
but there i go tripping over my feet and words.
cheating my way over thoughts.
this is my basket case i have brought.
speeding in a car in the dark rain.
makes you want to ride that white train.
im writing this in the earliest of thursday.
just to inform myself tomorrow will hurt just as much.
to pick at myself, scratch, bleed, and such.
you've seen my luck on getting back up.
i just cant clench this and them anymore.
please just show me my hollow door.

summer rust

you and i,
him and her share each others emotions.
we roll around in childish commotions.
the kids with dark cornered minds
you and i,
share the same spines.
its raining pennies,
but you hope for a storm of quarters.
to use for some change.
and jump out of your uncomfortable skin.
the paper doesn't flip like a day, it just folds like me.
so keep your anticipation low.
and move far from fast, but take it slow.
down into a crevice
where our souls are crushed in between and below.
drowning exhaustion in water, with no boat to row.
aren't you always trapped?
a birdcage to lock your confusion inside.
your conceived for love in haywire.
and him and her burn each other in fire.
careless and hurt.
impatiently holding your hands.
trickling down in a misery dance.
your all starving for attention, but hungry for lust.
the thirsty girl, rotting in a rut.
teenage youth wasted away in beds where all hearts eventually break
filthy sheets, where the memories are never washed out.
that's the way it is, but not the way its supposed to be.
my anchor of devotion, swallowed into the sea.

#200

this isn't the way its supposed to fucking be.
i don't want this anymore.

my little hummingbird

you caught me where i stood,
and nothings ever changed.
im still so low
but its a humane thing to get over it.
punching holes in the wall, throwing the same familiar fit.
i seep right in, because your absorb my emotion.
but you've always found me at the bottom of the stairs with crutches.
im humming that song.
because it drags memories along.
yeah it hurts, but im always running.
yeah you run, and im always hurting.
i cant pretend im happy with shitty decisions.
you wouldn't know what it is to feel,
it hurts more than ever inside.
the things that burn your vision,
keep leading you the way down.
until your heartbeat is left with no sound.
friend i wrote this book for you because of how much i love you.
now all i write about is how much i hate you.
this is a world where you're better than me,
your best friend crashing down is what you see.
the saddest thing.
when i lost myself in you.
i lost track of my first step.
but you made me feel welcomed with closed doors.
and you made me feel comfortable with unlocked doors

usually

for months i was looking for your apology.
but it was a total misconception built up inside of me.
you made me believe that everything was fine
i had you on my heart
but you slipped through the hole in my hand
its the simplest things to realize when you're all alone.
with a broken family, it all falls like a shattered home.
you fucked my life.
and through it all, i never grew stronger.
just felt dumber.
a kid, a high hope jumper.
you found me on the same page.
stormed in my mind, clenched in a cage.
i was looking for your strands of hair
buried deep in my bed.
its nowhere
and you've got me convinced that love isn't fucking dead.
i found where you hid it, right between your teeth.
not revealed to my intelligence.
so i sank my head in an angels arms.
but it was all delusional
i pretended you were here the whole time like usual.

known better.

believe me, you haven't seen the worse.
when love comes around it'll hit your hard.
i see right through you.
and the emotions you have to bleed.
when your knees shake.
im here to help you fall.
raped, lost in the dark.
bathed of mud, unclothed and in harm.
im not here to help you.
im here to just watch.
you seem to get over things easily.
tell me when your free of thought.
i easily know my exits.
a burning crash into an ocean of isolation

im just one of those...

i repeat thoughts.
where i recycle emotions and eat them out.
as it seems, its clear through glass.
life is never hard, i just find it hard to get by.
and i make friends happy with a single lie.
you want my honest keep of words.
they're stuck in a muddle.
if its any of your interest.
keep those questions in your chest.
i know alcohol floods minds.
and ive seen drugs sate your veins.
but im just two different corners to your brain.
passing years,
things have changed since a hug below my mothers arms.
i work all day on these things
i never feel so good after.
but im just squashed below your feet.
and convinced by the same deceit.
you wouldn't find the common decency to see how it feels
or know.
you never will.

curl

i don't ever want to upset you again.
its hard to sit still and quiet.
if im not being too pathetic,
is it okay to kiss you with brown eyes?
it rained pretty hard, if tonight continues just like this.
just smash your car into the guardrail with me involved.
its a melody how our hands lock.
skin gentle soft with the clouds.
don't ever let me be insecure more than i already am now.
ive got you caged over my heart.
don't ever let me down
you still sleep in innocence.
and you caught me with my hands full.
guilty of dirt, i sleep in the cold tonight.

whatever you call it

its all a dusty shoe to you.
you belong to a better place, where your two feet can stand
but who am i kidding?
this was easily meant to shamble
because im stuck holding hands with myself.
you cut me to my fucking core.
and all i want is less from more.
distance is pain.
because you moved out of my veins.
like everyone else
you have an excuse for everything i ask and say
ive got shit left
and i can run away for days.
but i haven't been on your mind for three years
it wouldn't mean a thing, if i told you face to face.
instead of digging my thoughts into some page.
stick to what you know like never ending sunsets, an ocean of blue
and a sandy beach where you buried the thought of me and you.

yeah

i don't care what you're feeling at all.
because swinging with moods is the only thing your good at.
if it gnaws on you so much, take it out on yourself.
and then drive back home, and never return.
i said very little.
i still cant believe you're the same person.
im not your fucking home.
don't call my phone either.
don't fall so low because then you'll need her.
im quietly watching my friends form.
stay ten steps away from me.
please is all i ask.

without you

drugs are for everyone.
to get you to close your mouth and just sleep.
and happiness is just one big leap.
you've caught me at where my two masks face.
there not all idiots.
they see right through my transparent head.
and everytime ive got the wrong colors to bleed.
starving to be hurt, because i know that's what to expect
legless in an abandoned parking lot is where im left.
with no light, no moon.
im sleeping in the dark pretty soon.
you read through it all.
then use my own words against me.
like ive ever done anything to you and spit in your eyes.
i just hope karma collects his pay, friend.
the fucked person you are on the inside, i can't even comprehend.

violet.

so romantic to walk around your neighborhood at night.
i lost my head but found love under a street light.
i spent a night i didn't understand on a rooftop.
summer life isn't that completely worthless.
she's so young, eating away at heartbreak.
words are for lead-ons.
and we have plans to lay in beds of sadness overnight.
in the early a.m. i found what you mean to me.
just a little warm feeling inside.
my friends never have anything good to say.
but what they think is right for me makes them happy.
the worst relationship advice comes from naive lips.
be wise for once, if not just act it.
because you've put me in situations where ive lost my fucking head.
and the stupid things you've said.
id rather hear nothing at all, instead of absorbing shit, dry words.

coca cola

drowsy eyes, and a mind binged on delirium
i catch myself asking stupid questions to a wall.
a 5am confession covered up with lies.
she knows where im going with this.
shes hates me through thick blood and out.
i wouldn't blame her.
a violent sky through clean windows.
ill never forget.
i promised myself i wasn't going to dig so deep.
but every time you dance circles around me.
its a never ending sight of beauty.
if you're scared, then im afraid.
where you're correct, im wrong.
im breaking my bones just to get your eyes.
like usual i stand open mouthed, catching flies.
sick to my stomach, running in patterns.
i forget what normal feels like.

apology not accepted.

there go my so called friends.
soaking up the night air.
i cant stay out to late because i cant stand to see a memory last.
and its the same old fucking book.
with crisp dried pages.
where we will never leave this dirt place.
shoes glued and melted soles to sidewalks.
i told you well always be fucked and stuck.
im breathing your cancer, and you're breathing me.
everything's the soundtrack to my life.
like your watered eyes, when a friend dies.
everything's the soundtrack to my life.
like your watered eyes, when a friend dies.
miserable and in droughts.
im only thirsty for more.
she, and he, and me are barely getting by.
we weren't born with a heart of jumping into life.
falling out of education.
the only big dreams i see are from my pillow.
my father was always correct.
i was a hardheaded kid and still am.
i like things just the way they are.
you gave me a face, that disconnected me from you.
so i thought it'd be smart just to live quiet tonight.
all you can do is blink at me blank.
im sorry for hurting you.
but you turned your profession into breaking your neck away from me.
if it means anything at all.
the things that we saw.
pour out what you've always been afraid to tell me.
ill be taken away soon.

tolerate the rain

you could see that i was afraid.
because there were reasons i walked on the other side of the street.
im losing touch on my ingenious.
days just keep getting dryer.
and i run far from original.
shes so graceful.
i kicked my chance.
she could die tomorrow.
and i wouldn't care today
because it wouldn't be on my mind today.
nobody holds anyone so close.
you ease upon holding them.
and tomorrows gone like them.
you're not a horrible driver.
i just hate riding in cars
meeting the dashboard in your sleep is an ugly thing.

trailoff.

heres to the broken home.
i can cry myself to sleep to.
my shattered family with crippled feelings.
and shes all on her own on the other side of the wall.
we can bury our face in cupped hands.
feelings for the keeping.
friends for friends, ill never tell you anything ever again.
mother has nothing to breathe for.
and brother has nothing to live for.
im still stuck in the same cold cell.
and walk around, eat the street with my eyes.
why should anyone care?
they're there to hold themselves.
youre not alone.
only me.
so frail.
always me.

a better winter night.

everything that you do, breaks my heart.
because you're so quick to be out of my way.
all the little things that strike the most.
go to shrivel up in the sun.
they wouldn't know where im coming from.
so they might as well just laugh
and live through what they don't realize.
its sad to look at what you're going through.
your shiny clear day that's brand new.
and im running dry with the teens.
next ill shake hands with bills i dont want to pay.
im not going to live my life, because its what you saw on a bumper sticker.
just say that you dont care, so i can get on with it all.

japanese.

there's sex in my head
light fire to my bed.
the beautiful one with the crystal eyes.
i refuse to steal dignity.
guilty scum, i think its too easy.
she dressed so well tonight.
it consumed an eye or two.
its time to stop hanging from a lure,
teenage raging hormones with no cure.
I used to think i was original,
until i found that i was like every other guy.
so stick to playing the parts,
while we look at each other with lust in our hearts.
but go to sleep tonight,
and hang up the phone.
a degrading son of a bitch,
that thought he had a chance.
and went back home with the lonely dance.
i sink my head like there's something prove.
with rotten butterflies, ive got everything to lose.

ontogeny

a lake of tear
i wont drink it all up.
so the worlds ending for you,
when its really not.
nothing of what you feel should be concerned about.
if pain is what you feel,
you lie where you start.
a raped teenage girl complains less,
you're living so higher.
trapped inside a toddlers emotions,
you're becoming less of what your father expects of you.
a lesser man,
a hypocrite, that doesn't know of growing.

sometime.

where have you gone?
after it all, people still think god isnt wrong.
i cant sleep, not knowing where you rest your head.
because brother there is no bed for you.
fucked up and fucked it all up.
in and out of shelter.
please don't dream with a gun.
i cant help you.
i just want to guide you.
you were found washed away on the sidewalk.
helpless, but not pathetic.
your eyes are gray.
it all seems nothing more than hopeless.
please don't dream with a gun.
ill meet you in paradise somewhere.
someday.

tunnel fairy

it hurts to even breathe.
ive got mother hanging on the other line.
and everyday i break more of her heart.
with heavy weights that shove you down.
muscles locked up in bed.
i couldn't find the courage to even pick up the last call.
im not holding so tight.
she thinks god is real.
i feel lifeless to watch her sleep alone.
break my neck if you please.
there's a need with bones like that.
mothers an organ donor, soon i will be too.
we can feel nothing together when im buried beneath also.
its a symphony to life, to watch you descend.
when waking up, smelling roses doesn't awake you on your feet.
ive got a lot to learn about with the sadness of relationships.
ive got a lot of nothing to live for if i don't understand.

i am so unprepared.

the four sided phobia.
in the next second i could possibly slip.
the people ill grow to hate like you.
day by day, its only tougher to not open my mouth.
ill sit there, traveling down a neverending interstate.
though everything in my way makes me sick.
you're standing in front of me.
i used to look at trees and skies as a nostalgic memory.
not anymore
they're all rotting to rust.
a recollection id like to only stab at now.
"being tired" is the only excuse to shut you up from asking me whats wrong.
rundowned from the night before.
were all young and have no idea the shit were stepping into.
it'll fall asunder.
with the rain and thunder.
complaining
you didn't expect me to be unprepared.
a circle of nimrods,
where self-absorbed is there best friend.
fuck you.
im just your bottompicker
someone you can shoot down, because your problems are darker.
i dont mean this
i really dont.
a state of prediction is all i can hold.
because the truth is seen everyday with you fuckers.
i am so unprepared.

maryland

your scratching for payed attention.
when you bleed, it'll happen.
so a friend was buried.
you barely even knew who they were.
im not buying it.
neither will i the next time.
how come everytime somebody you know dies?
there's a verge of sorrow to binge on for today.
you're all sugared up on tomorrow mornings sun.
believe me.
you're lying.
i can go close my eyes and guess it.
the way you speak right now, doesn't build up your pity
try better
the way you complain right now, your problems are featherlight
try worse.
hold boulders on your shoulders.
how long does strength last?
nothing really breaks you down.
youre just confused

hardwood

those are the roads, i piled my soul on.
and left my eyes on.
familiar ugly skies and plain rain.
i want to leave my head behind.
its so much easier to breathe with nothing to shoot yourself about.
black roads to match my eyes.
leaving your steps.
releasing your bypass.
nobody would understand where i go to even talk about.
so what if its death.
i lose myself everyday like i lose you as a friend.
i lose myself everyday like i lose you as a friend.
just crash your fucking car as we speak,
this is the first place i want to be at as my last.
you couldn't see the look in my eye.
the way i respire. like the time i brokedown on your floor.
breaking down my floors.
where ill fall right through to my underside.
this isn't just anything, its everything.
everything i exist for.
whats spoken in circles.
you could tell i lost my mind elsewhere.
she doesnt fucking care.
neither does god.

i just want to go home tonight.

i am falling out of my molds
my mind of home where i once belonged.
tomorrow will just be the same.
im starting to forget your name.
this isn't the way it is supposed to be.
all these friends are lingering away
time to let them be.
all these bones are cracking me down.
time to lay in the sea.
all these eyes never realize
time to let them see.
and at times i hate to hear about your day.
i hate as much to agree.
this isn't the way it is supposed to be.

8:45 am

ive been pushing my friends in a ditch.
theyve all got broken bones,
i leave it all behind.
sad but true.
im stuck with the glue.
watch me grow up and flow out.
so what if im scared.
it seems im doing what they did to me.
with ankles clipped, i smash face down into the rocks.
where the flame burns like ice.
you all i want to do is blow it out.
when a friend shuts out the light on you
youre never anywhere, but in the back of their mind.
no one, never anyone.
we can carry conversation if you walk over in the middle of the night.
just tell me how much i dont mean anymore.
i know im not that much
but ive tried all my try.
and ive dried my selfishness dry.

9:00 Rain Alert

clouds that resemble water balloons to me,
i want to stab and plunge them just so they leak in the sea.
because the day is ruined
and i am eating my headache.
shitty days are for god, this is for gods sake.

culdesac friends.

i have nothing to complain about today.
looseleaf lines have never looked so boring.
and everybody looks like steps and piano bars.
that others might be playing and marching on their hearts.
they're all breaking my back.
from stepping on the cracks.
screaming mazal tov for victory.
now a crown of thorns is my hat.
the empty minded boy that i fit with his soul.
there is not way out.
and that is no doubt.

dizzy me black.

never could tell if i was hungry in the morning
saving my appetite.
starving myself to have a sick, flushed complexion.
maybe somebody would feel sorry for me
maybe i could trick the nurse to release me from a prison walled school.
then the day comes.
where im not this hypochondriac
my father still wont believe me.
today is the end of the world.
the last day on gods green earth.
father still has no belief in what is said.
the wolf ate me.
if i belonged to the sky,
he would look up to me.
the cherub in the cloud.
gods golden son.
who never runs with a brain and a gun.
dad would believe.
he would.
in the end jesus laughs at how im fucked.
til this day i never told my father how much religion sucked.

quelled

"i am by your side", is what you believe.
its all so sad when you decide to divide.
because "im so busy" is what you'll live by.
im just easy taking, cruelly gullible.
i predict fate through your fishbowl.
the one with the goldfish that floats dead at the top.
it just goes to show how irresponsible you can be.
my envy that is green.
green with the christmas tree i never place presents under.
its okay though, im guilty of one hundred more things.
when you drive me home.
can you trust me inside by myself?
its okay ill turn the lights on.
torch the wick fused with my brain.
fire myself away.
and how many of your tears are apart of the ocean?
can i drink it all,
you know? be there for a lean on.
its much warmer holding hands with a firearm,
and not yours at night.
happiness is the feeling i get, when you leave.

daunts

ive been crying wolf for far too long.
and ive never though ive come this far.
i wake up and every morning im just farther away from who i used to be.
you say you want to be there.
youll be there when it happens.
|
all the "everythings" that have crawled into my skin.
my fragile mind just cant compete with.
i only tried to be the greatest friend.
not be insecure to anyone.
but im selfishly taking myself away from you now
|
no one there to understand.
only there to compare to what it feels like
dry advice, that never tasted good.
i only tried to sleep in comfort
but i woke up with complaints.
|
the same album i put on for months.
because it was the one thing i could relate to.
the same line, i hummed and dried my eyes to.
its all raining down now.
|
i tried to keep my mother stable.
i cant see her tremble anymore.
i cant see my brothers sleep on streets anymore.
i cant see my father take away my mothers love.
i cant watch my family fall apart.
|
love was always something to keep healthy.
but i was always spoiled sick and kicking it away.
her hearts just gone because of me.
and i am self centered to the fullest.
|
everyone was just someone i walked on eggshells around.
i kept your secrets from them.
you told mine to the person right next to.
stay a closed book please.
|
what happened to all my thoughts?
what are all these new problems?
i just want to make you smile.
i dont want to hurt anyone.
|
trying and trying and trying and trying.
but trying has become so erstwhile.
dont try to fight my proposition.
you know i barely tried my hardest.
|
im sorry for acting like i agreed with your conversations.
when i only ignored it all.
i disregarded you.
i apologize.

the very last day in town.

be humble, be sweet.
be gentle, be sentimental.
become so right.
speak wisdom in a fistfight.
because life's not that pretty.
I like to think it is.
"summer" shoot it down.
graduation never found.
the times the same all around.
deserted places, hazy faces.
the expectation ive never backed down.
there so old and im so young.
the last phone call from my mother,
i ignored when it rung.
because i cant accept self-centeredness more than i already do.
but im all closed lips and opened ears.
sharing your closed book is something you should fear.
its so near,
the end in sight.
the longing for dirt,
and our tunneled lights.
love blew through my fingers.
i was always right.
all that mattered were little things.
you thought you could step up to bigger things.
i thought i knew what life brings.
but were utterly hopeless, trying to spread wings.
youre so hard on yourself
when my problems are featherlight
youve seen me try to jump from heights.
pathetic boy, depressed girl.
loves nothing to sweat.
if it weighs down your neck.
look at me go.
where the dirt meets the core.
i always knew my mind was divided into four.
happy, bright, optimistic, healthy, neither nor.
a rich-hearted boy, converted to the poor.

north star

i was so full of it and still am.
it tasted so sweet to be true.
you forgot the part where you say things you don't realize being said
if letting go is what you ask, just to tell me to loosen my fingers.
"hes nothing, hes nobody."
i became a crumbled hand to hold.
i was always looking, focusing and talking.
yes you did the same. but the same that met the opposite.
and when with two fucking broken legs i become your weeping shoulder.
an unsturdy crutch with rust.
your father will never know because you cover it up with a cry.
your mother will never know because its always a cold fucking lie.
i dont want to hear about how last night was.
quick to unbutton your pants, youre just too easy.
you do not miss me.
you dont even miss yourself.
and what you should of stayed as.

wearout

were all losing are ways.
happiness isn't meaningful anymore
we tend to not know what that feels like anymore.
i smile at you as a friend.
its behind it all that i pretend.
you intrude my life.
i intrude yours.
were told whats wrong from right.
in the end were not in each others sight.
raised in a tiny world of big headed fuckers.
young teens in love become the suckers.
a fool for the taking.
the truth above all.
should have done what i did,
left trust at home.
you would of saw what i saw.
its all so fucking sad.
the way your head drops.
i would lend you this pen to cross it all out.
but it drained its own ink.
my suicide eyes,
the pools i wish to sink in.
i welcomed myself to misfortune.
took it for granted, absorbed it all in.
the jaded friendship i waved so long to
it blew with the wind.

its alright.

so slow and falling off.
Ive made an attempt to breathe today,
and exhale even better.
for just once i wish i could pretend that i didnt live life out like a movie.
saying what there is feeling.
so concentrated on grabbing eyes, ears, hearts and lips.
i shouldn't stand so high with others attention.
spill what you feel.
it never comes to what you want it to be.
slipped what you felt.
its always letting somebody in.
there is nothing to try that's left to give.
i gave up knowing i was willing to try.
over exaggerating how things are so much better now.
i was never a good liar to begin with.
spill what you feel
it never comes to what you want it be.
slipped what you felt.
its always letting somebody in.
the happiest day is yet to come
and i still wont feel a thing.
they're all so appealing with the way their lives are built.
i have been here before.
the place where i make a running attempt
to the places i go to hide.
under the sheets and buried in my sleep.

laet

i just cant apologize enough.
its what has bring me to lay flat down.
"what are you so upset over?"
i have not the fondest idea.
but i used to touch with such affection.
it has all grew up and trembled obscurely
they all know what it is to feel the time of there lives.
im just taking a seat.
cheating, thieving ways through.
i cant experience a thing if im jumping stones.
for once in my life,
i wish i could shoot myself full of warmth,
knowing that i didn't have to sleep at night
to blot out why tomorrow morning will repeat yesterday.
its on my face, a shield of smiles.
unclear pain behind layers of skin.
i write what i dont feel just to impress everyone,
when in reality im only pathetic.
playing an attention whore.
i cant see what is taken serious anymore

lesser matter.

girl swallow your spite.
i know you feel more than just hate.
soft and calm blood on the in.
oceanic eyes.
legs always wide.
messy life.
untidy and disgusting morals.
with a rotting reputation.
pillaging the foolish boys heart.
the lion will come to collect his dues.
the act of karma which in you don't believe.
the slob in you, that's so visibly seen.
its all falling up with you,
when its really sliding down.
everything valuable, everything that's able to be cherished.
keep it close and snug tight
im here to sweep the streets.
the trash queen that the concrete bows to.
destroyed and thrown to the crows.
fuck you.

fgd

i used it to shoot back at you.
to feel fulfilled with words of knives.
victory i thought i had.
i lost my crown,
not knowing what i was going to expect behind closed doors.
its all cutting me into two.

rotation rotation

i can feel alone, its easy to get used to.
i should of left without becoming a friend.
the constant change to tagalong with dreams.
every chance you get, it always seems.
you can blame it on facts of growing and departing.
you know you would never do anything about it in the first place.
where have you gone with your head?
am i the wrong circle for you to live with?
are you the square, like the houses we grew up in.
or are you just upset as i am, or am i doubtful today?
this is all cut out,
like me from pictures on your fridge.
i can only hope for you to meet the ledge.
its like it all never came to life.
now college educated, and becoming a husbands wife.
its the top i will never reach and meet.
its me the old friend, that you can walk away from with two feet.

daffodils

whoreish hearts comes with a low life, self centered girl.
grasp your veins.
and you watched the clock lay to waste.
trash on the outside, garbage on the in.
the bottom ring where they come from.
soul sucking and then some.
impressionist of the heart.
mistaken for the wrong fucking thing.
shes the one to spend a resting lifetime with.
fools divide, morons as one.
wrapped in chains, locked in shit.
pouring out to the jezebel that feels nothing for you.
teenage hormones, living your life by the words like,
"there's more fish in the sea."
we cant even love ourselves.
what makes you think what devotion can be?
love is not blind, with the two blind eyes to see.
shes only a goddess of silhouettes to me.

i can just keep going.

no way have you climbed my peaks,
and stood where ive felt before.
so solely, and living your mind under a bridge.
all youve ever done is bury your heart on his sleeve.
its a constant apology for what has gone wrong.
weve always have someone to let down and out of grip
i am always here for you to.
"never there" is what you thought you always knew.
i held warm beside.
your outlook on me, flown out the window on this car ride.
its all i ever hid,
sliding was all that was ever did.
crying with the sugarface, changing from shoes to heels,
whatever happened to your laces.
and all the places, where you have gone to smile.
his hands to hold, my shoulders to brush.
brew my envy for such little acknowledgment.
its up and over
and under to out.
his arm over your shoulder, the only warmth left for you to feel.

3

its the skin i live in.
its not the people around who breathe,
not the friends.
its just me.
cant feel comfortable anymore.
cant touch feelings i want to adore.
you look at your whole life whens its only been 17 years.
it took age 13 to realize things.
and there's just an end im trying to buy and not sell.
theyve always wondered what all my matters are.
sister and brother disowning my mother,
crossing sides with my father.
you left childhood in the basement of your life.
my couch becomes my bed.
i can call my future a bad name.
a lover is not my concentration.
everything has run to hide,
and blend with a night sky.
i always taken my jealousy for bitterness.
ive always lied to them and myself.
but its time to lay things out.
its the fact that i fear above and below.
the bony emotions ive not gone to show.
and its all so nail-biting.
they have all told me things i pretend to understand.
just to agree my way through.
but ive just lied.
the belt that has held my pants up is to stop me from falling,
when tripping over rocks cant be held up.
we've all put ourselves in between cracks
the positions we hate to fucking face.
but its the lasting solution you fend for
the closed gunshop you wish was open in the night.
pathetic and dramatic,
im just trying to express that i don't want in anymore.
i just want the fuck out

eraserhead

selling out hearts to nobody we like anymore.
its all shit thrown off such high places now.
a memory that cuts you to the core.
they don't dwell on it as much as you do.
this is my luck with everyone.
falling in love with the close things.
completely shut down.
and running out of ways to kill myself in the deep.
i woke up this morning,
thinking everything would be swell.
constant wearing the face of hell.
i dont want to soak in your feelings anymore.
were all looking out for one each other.
but selfishly
the kind of selfishness where you want whats best for me.
selfless like me, i cant even help myself.
a habitual tendency where you just cant leave me be.
they've all heard it from my mouth.
spilling of words, but you can fulfill whats beyond my eyes.
its not even a surprise to my father.
the light of days, where a smile is not your best friend.
i don't even want to make you happy, i just want hang my life.
"you're always so sad", im always keeping with the inside.
always here to hear real close, never hear to understand so clearly.
just tell me things i dont want to hear.
come, run and go like i will always fear.
its change what twists your spine.
i cant stop you from growing apart.
its only up to your feet.
the one thing i hate about when you walk away.

mothers day

you're mistaken with the lord,
a golden straight path is nothing but your illusion.
hes given things top to bottom,
a world of troubles created, when you built it yourself.
a silver cross dangling from your neck,
a mistake and gulp of blasphemy to convince you.
not getting anywhere, but where you place yourself.
i see with bags of eyes, the bags under my eyes i can hold up.
its who you are, the savage inside to tell me you turned on your back again.
a constant change upwards, constantly stabbing down with lodged feet.
you will never change the way it is to be.
but changing to what you always and never wanted to be.
its time to find concentration.
concentration on those youve crushed down.
the hurt and feebler one
its like hanging from the phone,
when i dialed your number but hung up.
if life is so good to you, why do you sob and confess its apart.
ive always stood here for you, but not for lies.
one decrepit mind, telling all the wrong things.
it'll never escalate your feet to your next lovers.

girl trap

so what about you?
a common misleading friend.
weve fought things out before.
but guide me to your exiting door.
its all that is need
im never supposing enough
so hold a heart of want and greed.
its not upsetting, and its not to bowl over.
the act of predictable, you can cut your eyes out now.
im watching the rain because im blocking you out.
im twiddling my fingers because the highways where ill jump out.
attack yourself, not me.
i used to think i was strongly bitter.
but youve got me foiled in.
leave the strong days alone, ive got you at your weakest.

turquoise hat

look at where i place myself.
walking home with the same route.
caught in the rain,
i dont mind the feeling of being soaked in feeling.
we all need inner release,
but this isnt working the way i need it to be.
things just die off.
and lay in holes.
those thunderstorms are heavy as your feet drag,
im not afraid of them, you are.
youre not getting home any faster.
so just walk slower
stronger in hammering hearts,
weaker in realizing it.
weaker to feel for yourself.
stronger his hand feels to fit with.
its the way things should be,
and everything i need to hang my head about.
but things just die
and lay in holes.
i need to find a better cloud to dance upon.
this one holds no weight, where i seep right down.
but just like discovering my head, it'll never be found.
i never dwell on fading myself away.
but my fingers can always play the part
they can always say always, and look down on me,
but they'll never follow themselves through.
you can always meet me in our promise land,
where everything dies,
and lays in holes.

normality

the only time i would wish to see you,
if you were a flock of birds overhead me.
on a dead day, where nothing existed left and right to me.
how upset you can become on rained out days.
get over the fact that youre all alone.
collect toes and feet, run and never stop.
hum some familiar tune stuck in your head.
how happy you can become on sunny days.
accepting black clouds as your new best friends.
sharing feelings through thin air
shuffle your shoes in guilt.
how happy you can become on rained out days.
finding and seeking where you went all wrong.
bleeding out all there's left to give
sell your soul, to feel forgiveness and normality again
how upset you can become on sunny days.
all else fails.
picking your head up,
that cracked on the concrete with the eggs.
swim deeply and sink opposite to the top.
let some cupid lift you from your downs
fly 100 feet into the sky, and let go for no reason.
your moments of "ups" were raised to make you think you're moving
then shot apart.
how convinced you can become with desperate eyes.
the spear lodged in your ribs.
just lying there in anguish.
because you feel pain, dont think that anyone will breath empathy into you.
cross your fingers
and stop your heart to the rhythm of earthquakes.
how scared you can become with shaky hands.

m

todays realization in form of a bag of bricks.
i understand you mean youll always stand around for me.
but youre only saying things to keep me safe.
a person who loses themselves in words.
she can always relate.
i cant always stay stable on two feet.
if every sidewalk isnt a plate of ice.
blue eyes that compromise
a convincing friendly personality to go with.
im only stupid on somedays.
and always smart enough to live through a suckers life.
dishonestly living, obscuring with words.
why should i ever give you a warm welcome?
a new friend then when you're supposed to disappear now.
a feeling of shutting the damn door.
where i cant see you from the other side
flat out lies, through chattering teeth.
why are you shaking, you don't have to tell the truth tonight?
i can understand where you're coming from.
everyone's come to walk with you
and if they refuse, they don't ever see you.
keeping up with an erstwhile friend.
having better things to do,
like complain how i never catch up to your level of friendship.
ill never call again.

connected.

i see your leaking mistake.
how much weight can you hold without a drop and break?
your mouth can run its relays,
and it can always come back around to them.
but what happened to laying in trust in you?
hung out, strung out, and lungs out.
i can never just believe one thing about myself.
for one day, you just have to look into where im coming from.
and see what im taking in from the outside.
the baggage i can hold,
the slant i see in your eyes.
confronting on what youve told to everyone.
i just need to build walls higher around myself.
high enough until i cant hear myself think.

first paycheck

relaxed with ease.
back strapped against brick walls.
double vision, placed on bare streets.
a couple strolls the sidewalk, they will never be together forever.
they have it better than i do, all more than i ever will.
none of them have it the way i pick upon it.
my concrete oasis, the streets i dig ankles into.
pessimism in my hands
driving fingers into my eyes.
"why wont these powerlines just cryptically fall down on me?"
it all depends if i sit on where the sidewalk makes it split.
shes the only thing.
full of cherub.
and i give only the shoulder of infirmity to lay her head down on.
i apologize if there's not a smile on my face tonight.
ive danced in brighter days.
a mother of suicide, a father of success.
im genetically born to rise and fall.
depression is nowhere near until tomorrow.
and then elation swims in a pool of my spit.
prideful as the lion, slit straight down the stomach.
there's no time for superbia.
only time to chew down my self-esteem.
when i was a child, i never worried about caring for such little problems.
problems blew over with a distraction of saturday morning cartoons.
but those were goldish days, its rinsing to bronze, and past silver.
and those songs drag me 10 years back to my childhood,
through rainy vision and familiar scent.
now i tunnel through a thick fog of a wall-less dream everyday,
and im not even dreaming.
my oasis of dry-wet dreams, through complete lucidness.
and im not even sleeping.

iron

love is not a fight, but its noting worth fighting for.
you forgot where you belong to me
abridged off in my world
around you go, where we go round.
i don't need trust in you, i lost it when i didn't trust myself with you.
you can count every raindrop known to man,
time will still never pass by to get you through.
hes the everything filled with something.
you met me with nothing.
your friends will never understand what i had for you.
they were always thin sheets of ice that could be walked on.
kicking troubles so distant to the point where theyre not seen.
they will always emit right back.
never tasted such bitter lips as much as mine are.
i wouldn't need a second chance to outlook on you.
please dont go back down those roads.
ive peddled down there before.
nothing was clearly left.
i belong behind my shut eyes.
and not next to you.
always curled up in a shell.
you never came to pull me out,
when i call he's on the other line.
is his back the one you hide behind?
you always call when i write my last word.
ironical.

irish wristwatch

well put together, formed with an unintelligent mind.
he's not aware of what to know about.
so he skips school, and catches the butterflies.
simple minded, doesn't know so much.
but life can not be so understandable.
setting out a future made to crumble eventually.
selling out the slave he will soon to be.
a working class machine with low battery and a high level of stress.
the skin and clothes he wears, a straight fucking mess.
he has a clear grasp on reality,
but never defines what he's running down for.
no belief in god, no hope for himself.
convinced friends are for happiness, lost them all, even his health.
a glass bed to lay on, an empty plate to eat.
a planned out afterlife right below his feet.
he felt for this girl, said all that was said.
did all the right things wrong.
a lab rat of love, only experimented with.
in the long runs,
a rope was cut, a light was punched out.
tripping through dead winter days
blooming into shitty spring.
only in journals, he has countless words to bring.
seeking a place where to dump his life.
be careful of every dumpster and garbage can.
each step closer can be so quick in the sand.
one more lamp of light, closing eyes to one last night.
running down, he refuses to sleep yet.
so guts to spill, and skeletons to fulfill.
throws them to their face, "this is what you should of ate"
slowing down time, breaking legs and arms on clocks.
pulling the dagger out of his sock,
before jumping from the windowsill
he stabs in the dark,
what's left to fucking kill?

giant.

there are sad stories, mine to keep.
my brain is the only thing i carry pocketed.
waiting for some perfect time to jump me for my knowledge.
late in the night, a cold fist to my head.
its yours for the taking, and those knees are deep in shit of luck
its getting you through the night, knowing that your tucked in tight.
its getting me through with tossing and turning.
we must not fight anymore, we've already fought for settling
always something to complain about, when waking in the mornings.
up to the sky with some promiscuity
resting around to no extent.
tricking myself into believing everything heals better
well the fool i am, and the lies i can tell to just me.
ive never grasped my head with both hands until now.
creating puddles of tears in a sitting stance.
equaled to every weeping willow,
amounting to every water fall.
you never cried yourself dry until now.
leaving impressions to everyone's foolishness.
they're just a crowd that has no sense of idea whatsoever
so you pick upon the weak, and the strong.
they're only tree limbs of light and heavy strength.
so what gives you such thought?
i understand your dressed in flesh.
but it doesn't give you the right to pretend you're human, when you're not.
im out of breath with words

lips like legs

washing the dirt off the face.
youre showing yourself too much.
what makes you think they can be told anything?
they have weapons of history.
things they can use against you, that you ever so easily slipped out.
confiding with all the ones you hold enclosed.
soon to be enemies.
these friends aren't here to stay anyway.
a smile is left not wiped off their faces.
so you eat your trust,
and bury it deep in your oceans.
i understand the colors that there is to show,
but they expect so much more than contrast.
if you're bound to fall, why do you trip words?
in a small world, in a closed in room.
there's only enigma to spill.
a glass vase tipped over, because of vibration from there voices.
they just don't want to stop running there lips like legs.
why do you trust so much?
when you shovel holes in the ground and then fill it back up from piled dirt.
there's another way around the bush.

others

where this lives, there is nowhere to run.
a sun behind my back can only produce a shadow.
it only goes to show that's the only friend i have.
knowing where im walking to, my destination is never clear enough.
i dont communicate the way they do.
i dont express the way they can.
the way they use there lips and movements of there bodies.
stuck between 2 different worlds,
where i want attention and i don't want to live this way.
there isn't enough care in this world for me,
only little.
this isn't the way its supposed to be, at all.
she shouldn't be confused the way i use words,
he shouldn't be there hold my back up.
i wasn't born to swim in whirlpools my whole life.
wheres originality?
wheres my new leaf to flip?
wheres an answer to every question?
this thick wind that brushes my skin.
such an awkward feeling.
the number of cars i step into,
and wonder if that's the last time ill ever leave my driveway.
before i fall asleep,
the dashboard is the last thing in my sight.
never in my drowning life, have i ever thought about something so much.
never in my sympathetic life, have i ever craved the way death sounds off my tongue.
speaking not clear enough, things not done until last minutes.
ive wasted life on the little things, but not as much as on love.
i like to think i understand it.
ive never found a definition for it.
only an uncomfortable feeling.
and the things that go on at night, while i sleep.
what watches over me.
waking up in the morning is so gentle,
living out the day, i have never felt so violent to just speak in a straight line.
nobody understands understanding.
nobody understands anybody.
nobody understands there selves
but theyre just so busy trying to understand whats wrong with there friend.
"im fine", nothings changed like how it was yesterday.
today repeats like tomorrow.
dont ask me the same question.
you're just told the same answer.
everyday i walk around threatening my life,
what else are you supposed to think what i will do?
im just a big exaggeration.
im not depressed, i never said i was.
i havent been where the 30 year old man with towering bills,
a stressfilled job, and a life to repeat everyday for the rest of his life, has been.
all i can talk about is how i have nothing to feel for.
i just have a brand new thing to tell myself every brand new day.
i dont know what this is,what i feel, what i breathe, what i see.
but i dont like it.
this is it though, walk with the others.

at all.

when you slime into my mind,
these days just become worse.
you're standing in the way,
and i cant dance around you.
i don't want to sleep anywhere but on the concrete.
tossing in a cold sweat of my sleep,
ameliorate on waking up, i improve less and lesser.
its not supposed to be this way,
at all.
i don't want to sleep anywhere but on the concrete.
coiled up on some curb.
you could see how my life has begun.
i haven't been anywhere nearly as the beggar has.
but still i cry for some pity, attention.
the banshees on my life, soulless and vacuous.
i lost all spirit knowing where you walk and run to.
so my brain grew a pair of arms and legs,
and walked its way home.
it doesn't need to think for me.
but the bedrock of my life, has never been more apparent.
and i don't want to sleep anywhere but on the concrete.

deserter

calling yourself a friend.
when you stack bricks to create your walls.
then there to tear it down when nobody cares for you anymore.
friends that come and go.
you can run with them.
ive seen right through people like them.
the turncoats of the dark.
everyone just needed a feeling of warmth.
a blanket over there hidden hearts at night.
a cold floor to lay on to fit with there cold blood.
a pillow to take for granted.
and a friendship to change to a silhouette.
convincing me that you're here to as an open vent.
trust is rust to me.
you turn pages of me, like a book with a bad cover
ive been formed as a door attached to no walls.
that you could ever so gently turn knobs and walk right through.
of necessity, i beg to differ.
flaky as cold, dead skin.
i never wanted a need out of you.
do not tell me you will meet and be there.
on nights like these, i could really never need a friend.
all there really is a kid like me with a puddle of "fuck yous" to sink your foot into.
please just stop this car and unlock the door,
id rather walk the rest of the way home.

ants that munch.

this is all so sad,
i could feel better than this.
instead i feel nothing at all.
walking on a glass floor 1000 feet high.
you've never bitten your nails as much.
heartwaves just keep gaining speed,
maybe this is where i make an end.
you say you've felt the same ways,
join the lines i walk everynight then.
they aren't as overdramatic as i am.
so why try to compare to such problems?
a time to meet youre feet and the grass.
kiss the dirt, then wash your hands and knees.
prayers dont come true just because you said please.
he doesnt want to even think we exist.
struck down from the sky, you never wanted this.
like a bird, spread your arms with the wings.
i see you've accepted every consequence.
in actuality humans cant fly north or south.
quicksand eats you starting from your ankles.
impressionism on the mind, that its just a breathing test.
youll never meet the surface again.
instead bones just crush like the rest of past ones like you.
because of this, i grow less of a friend to anyone in my mindless world.
this is all so sad.
not depressing.
just upsetting and sad.

crystal clear.

tears.
its what gets the best of you.
I used that one grin.
its what attacked most of you.
the daggers in my feet, have changed their minds to your chest.
so sick of using non original words.
I know you get the fucking point.
but who says im fucking finished.
apparent to the clear window.
dancing, swinging like the trees i see outside.
you always lie about being upset.
lie about being cut into halves.
see who's there to melt you back together.
heart shaped eyes, it ate the feelings inside.
like a mother with her dead child, you weep like her.
though you have nothing to compare to but nothing.
so i tried to hide what i had to say,
the time wasn't right.
but i hit the page, you could read the words stamped on my forehead.
life's just so fucking visible.

but i wont.

fishing for bigger things, still you lure me in.
when you finally make up your mind,
im thrown back in the water.
in blank days, im in your needs.
when hes not present in mind, im your last page resort.
tired of everything from head to toe.
exhausted with blistered feet.
you wouldn't know what it feels like to be rundown.
dragging feet down streets, with a lack of stop signs.
then again you got the breaks.
i never had the chance to sit down.
remember when you used a naive heart to think, instead of your brains.
now into catching raindrops with the mouth.
all because you're all alone.
don't tell me you're nothing, when you're something.
the last time i saw nothing, was through my eyes.
you weren't standing there.

357.

look at the blanket that's the sky.
a black ocean you're afraid to dip your head in.
well its above everything, even your problems.
there's the car door, ill open it up.
lets my hands be an umbrella.
or are you still getting rained on?
sorry but its all i have with me to protect you.
acrylic skin, i can see your heart rot.
itd rather beat a different pattern for every new person.
itd rather beat slower and offbeat for me.
tonight, don't be brave against a storm
be my guest to drive your fastest,
don't forget to turn your lights off in the dark
i told myself you ran such distance, thinking you could just sidestep.
well habits aren't easily broken and fixed.
my hands aren't here to hold, there only here to use finger by finger.
counting fuck ups one by one.
its simply visible through iris's, where your lips meet.
i tasted only your jezebel lips,
he lingers on them still.
hes only there to unbutton your pants.
you will never kiss the same in snowfall.
and you will always kick a chain and ball.
fettered there to stay.
i pray to god, you dont go driving down our roads.
reliving a pathetic nostalgia.
there's more to life yearning in a puddle of tears
flushing toilets, its still the same meaning as wasting.
wasting time, wasting 2 years.
i don't care of the treasures you inherit in a lifetime,
ive got the light to shine more than you ever will.
so this is frustration, and last night was empathy.
today is a full blown fist to the walls.
i can only hope for them to fall down on me.
but see there go your friends that once were a meaning.
now just ghosts in your mind.
and they were inspiration. a bad energy that you shoved me away with.
a cigarette, a shot or two, a suck of the neck should relieve the stress.
but wear a shield, words in form of ammunition
im here to fucking shoot you.

invariably tardy

collect your hands, only kiss the clouds.
dream where you never thought it could be controlled.
lucidity in sleep.
if it makes you happier, cross me out inside.
pick the softest bed of flowers to lay in.
breath nothing but your own blood,
for when blades of grass cut your back.
stitching the torso back together
because you only found half of yourself.
but you don't even know what you discovered inside.
wishing upon stars that i've never stepped foot in.
well it was too fucking late.
its too late to find out how comfortable you fit in me.
its too late to actualize how high to jump when i knock you off your feet.
im not so accepting today, try back another lifetime.
dance in the rain, i might just watch you from above.
like every other idiotic thing you do that you never realize.
we repeat in circles.
its what your into.
but i defy living like that.

a gem for every sky.

its so obvious where to belong.
walking on shattered glass, with naked feet.
trusting all the wrong beliefs.
if i come to a point to let go,
you'd know how long it took for me to scrape.
when scared and alone,
its time to burn my room to ash.
out these basement windows,
watch every bottomless thing closely and let it hit me hard.
there's a time for noticing whats passed me by.
i am anticipated.
a beautiful spring rain to wash my footsteps down sunny roads.
a piece of happiness to lean on, and break eventually with my weight.
a mask for every smile, a distraction for every pair of brown eyes.
ill never let you in.
to blot out behind my back is so easy.
to shoot holes through my hands, there's nothing more id want.
its all so jaded to believe what i will do to myself.

im annoying.,

jumping cloud to cloud
in eyes azul to the sky,
so hollow, so overflowing with hunger.
keeping alone in the night
gathering your kindness.
turning into a negative piece of shit.
then living out a concrete dream.
with a deaf ear, through the other i hear you cracking.
breaking ice, salting a wound was all you were ever good for.
sometimes, we wish to tie a new pair of shoes.
sometimes, i wish you'd melt with the glue
with heaven abide,
you fold your arms like a fool.
watching each gate lock you out.
so squirm to the bottomfeeder,
where hell awaits every emotion you have.
none more fucking feeling
none more light.